Cost benefit analysis pt II

I have a peculiar numb feeling, which I am unaccustomed to.

Observational, almost. The anthropologists would be proud.

I have taken up smoking clove cigarettes on my rooftop, with my nerdy headphones and loud music (unhappy cilia everywhere). Very un-me. Cancer. Public Health. Not something that can continue too long unfortunately. The neighbors must think I am odd and deeply hypocritical.

But I like them. I like the sweet spicy smell.

I like the air, and swirling, and light, and the way the light mixes with the smoke-- and the way the smoke burns my lungs, and the way it swirls again and disappears into the sky as I breathe it out slowly and deliberately.

This numb feeling-- odd. I don't mind it. Watching my skin get cold, or my body get hungry. Watching my mind get tired, bored. Watching my lungs breathing.

There is the temptation to remain exactly this way. Feeling numb? This could be powerful. There is some freedom to this that I have not ever had.


I have always known I am all or nothing, and have not much experimented with this other extreme.

I believe in deep joy, peace, happiness-- but you have to decide what you want and there are consequences to indecisiveness; and there are consequences to passion. I have to decide if it is worth it (of course I know the answer, I would hope).

(knowing isn't the same as deciding).