Things about Iowa that make me happy:
My family is there.
I can walk around as much as I want at night and feel safe.
The air that I can breathe and breathe some more.
Simplicity, sky, stars, sitting on my grandparents deck and just enjoying their company.
Ah but always always always the question: is it enough?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
Being a woman sucks aveces.
It might be fairly naive, but I suppose I didn't realize that as a woman alone, living and working among the people I want to, I am constantly and will always be in danger. I have taken dangerous risks in the past while traveling, but I am much more aware of it here-- mostly perhaps because there is no real choice in those risks-- it is implicit in my neighborhood.
I dislike the mistrust I have developed. However, it gets old, always being so careful. It is in fact, something I despise. How am I supposed to live spontaneously when I am always thinking about what time it will be dark, when I am blatantly followed in broad daylight, when people grab my arm in the street? There is no subtlty in the things people say to me. When they say rapes are under-reported, how can I be surprised with the policemen leer and say 'Come home with me, I will take care of you'? I cannot imagine living this way, not trusting anyone! I am also not surprised at the law-suits being brought forth from past Peace Corps volunteers that were assaulted and treated as if what happened to them was their fault-- a glass of wine, walking in the dark, trusting a stranger, not always always having someone to walk home with.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been in situations where I had to make a choice, and neither choice was a good one. Accept the ride home with the strange but nice guy also waiting for the buses that have stopped running after a concert or get stuck in rioting at midnight in a bad part of town? Take the bus all the way to the city I wasn't planning on going to because there was a 2 hour traffic jam and it is dark all of a sudden, or get off the bus in the middle of no-where and flag down a random stranger on a motorcycle? Get off the only guagua going home on a Sunday, or hope the guy waving a gun in the next seat doesn't turn around and force me off the guagua? Pay 7 bucks to wave down a taxi, or walk six blocks with a group of guys following me and hope they're just trying to go home too?
I make extreme gambles every day here, and I am very very aware of it. I am also aware of how selfish it would be to get hurt because I was stupid.
But obviously-- again, naive to think that 1) being a foreigner and 2) being a woman would be a winning combination of anonymity. However, it is slightly discouraging and sobering, because it has implications for what I want to do with my life versus what will keep me alive long enough to actually live it.
I dislike the mistrust I have developed. However, it gets old, always being so careful. It is in fact, something I despise. How am I supposed to live spontaneously when I am always thinking about what time it will be dark, when I am blatantly followed in broad daylight, when people grab my arm in the street? There is no subtlty in the things people say to me. When they say rapes are under-reported, how can I be surprised with the policemen leer and say 'Come home with me, I will take care of you'? I cannot imagine living this way, not trusting anyone! I am also not surprised at the law-suits being brought forth from past Peace Corps volunteers that were assaulted and treated as if what happened to them was their fault-- a glass of wine, walking in the dark, trusting a stranger, not always always having someone to walk home with.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been in situations where I had to make a choice, and neither choice was a good one. Accept the ride home with the strange but nice guy also waiting for the buses that have stopped running after a concert or get stuck in rioting at midnight in a bad part of town? Take the bus all the way to the city I wasn't planning on going to because there was a 2 hour traffic jam and it is dark all of a sudden, or get off the bus in the middle of no-where and flag down a random stranger on a motorcycle? Get off the only guagua going home on a Sunday, or hope the guy waving a gun in the next seat doesn't turn around and force me off the guagua? Pay 7 bucks to wave down a taxi, or walk six blocks with a group of guys following me and hope they're just trying to go home too?
I make extreme gambles every day here, and I am very very aware of it. I am also aware of how selfish it would be to get hurt because I was stupid.
But obviously-- again, naive to think that 1) being a foreigner and 2) being a woman would be a winning combination of anonymity. However, it is slightly discouraging and sobering, because it has implications for what I want to do with my life versus what will keep me alive long enough to actually live it.
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